Day 100

"I am grateful for what I am and have.

My thanksgiving is perpetual...

O how I laugh when I think of my vague indefinite riches.

No run on my bank can drain it

for my wealth is not possession but enjoyment."

Henry David Thoreau

 My first 30 years were mine. They belong to me and no one else. I made my choices, forged friendships, developed like and dislikes that collectively were unique to me and me alone. I have laughed and cried and screamed and known silence. I have run. I have fallen. And I have gotten back up. I have known immense joy and immense pain. I have made many mistakes. I have failed. I have also known countless victories, both big and small. I have hurt people. And I have helped people. I am proud of that. I have made it a point in my life to consider others, to many times put them first, and to take excellent care of those I love. Sometimes to a fault. My choice to live this way has also made me a worrier. I worry about outcomes I have no control over, worry about choices or decisions I’ve made, worry about things that are none of my business. I am a worrier. I own that. I chose that. I am incredibly emotional and very analytical. I am an observer of detail and I trust my instincts. So much that my sister and I almost think we’re slightly psychic. ;-) I am exactly like my sister. I am exactly like my brother. And yet so incredibly different from the both of them. I have had my heart broken. And I have broken the heart of another. And I believe that the pain resulting from the latter is far greater. I make to do lists and love to organize, but my room is usually a mess. I am phenomenal in the kitchen and not afraid to toot my own horn about it. I put a lot of time and effort into becoming so. I love pickles. Love them. I hate onions, carrots, coleslaw. I am a picky eater. I lose my phone all the time. I have let fear keep me from many things. I love music and secretly long to use and experience that form of expression, but am deathly afraid of it. So much so that even when singing in church or at concert, I am usually only mouthing the words. I love to dance, but the only time I truly dance from within is in the shower. Once upon a time, I was an excellent actress. I think I still may be. And I’d like to find out. I love to feel things deeply, even when it hurts. I have known love. Great love. In so many different forms. Instead of a diary, I kept a book of love quotes throughout several years. My entire journey these past 30 years had been about finding and understanding love. In every capacity. 


All of these things have been developed over 30 years of life. The things I chose to love or hate, dive into or shy away from, have all made up Susan Elizabeth Thompson. (Yup, That's me.)


And I am damn proud of the path I’ve walked.


There is no one in the world I’d rather be than me.


I haven’t always felt that way. There were times that I would’ve given anything to trade places. And days like that may rear their ugly head from time to time in my next 30 years….


But now…


Right now…


I am ecstatic to be entering this next phase with a strong understanding of who I am and how I came to be this way.


And I am grateful for every single second.


Which…at long last…brings me to this blog, or what I am calling my self-expansion project.


It is 100 days until my 30th birthday. I would like to use these 100 days and 100 blog posts to express my gratitude for the time I’ve been given on this earth. Gratitude for the lessons I’ve learned, the people I’ve known, the places I’ve been, and experiences I’ve had. Gratitude for all the things that make up a life. My life.


I am scared. Scared that a post a day will be too much. Scared of the feelings that may surface. Scared of people actually reading it! Scared of judgment. I say that only to get it out in the open. To acknowledge the fear and challenge myself to see it through to the end.


My hope is that I will finish this self-expansion project with an even greater understanding of who I am. I hope to express to so many of you just how important you are to me. I hope to be honest and open and to not censor myself. To be me, out loud, and stand by my thoughts and beliefs. I hope to make those that read (including myself) think and feel and strive to put gratitude in the forefront of our minds. To constantly be aware of and be thankful for what we have.


So let’s start the journey with this…


Day 100: I am grateful for you. For anyone that takes a moment to view these words or may even choose to go on this journey with me. Thank you for your time, your thoughts, and your criticisms. I am going to attempt to open my heart to you and hope that you will do the same.