Day 98

"There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way."

Thich Nhat Hanh

 I sat down to write and realized that we're three days in and I haven't told you where this journey started for me. I was not always so grateful. In fact I was constantly searching, or waiting rather, for something better. In so many aspects of my life. I would wake up with a sigh, reluctant to start another day...just like the one before...and the one before that. I would count the hours that passed until the work day ended. My only joys were weekends, though by Saturday evening, I was already sad that the weekend was "almost over." 

I think this may be coming across a little worse than it was. In fact, if you know me personally, all of this may sound strange to you. I've always been a positive person, always smiling, usually easy to get along with. And all of that was and is very real...but those in my close inner circles could see it. This pain, this longing for something more that was under the surface of my usual positive energy. I was not enveloped in a deep depression...but I was not happy. I was going through the motions and telling myself..."I'll be happy when I get a new job, I'll be happy when I finally move out of LA, I'll be happy when I get married, when I have children, when I find a new artistic outlet, etc..." My life had become "I'll be happy when...." I was waiting for something. Some change to occur. Waiting for something, anything, to be different. I had an ongoing and very persistent case of, what I like to call, The Sue Blues. 

So...I'm on Facebook one day...you know..."Oh! They went to Thailand!", "She had a girl!", "Such a beautiful bride!", "Congrats on your new business venture!" All the things that fill your heart with joy for your friends' successes...and fill your stomach with self-doubt. Along the side there was one of those ad banners for tinybuddah.com. So I checked it out. (Even as I'm typing this I realize that it sounds like I'm selling something. Tinybuddha.com has no idea I'm writing this, in fact, I hope they don't mind me using their name. Point being. Unsponsored.) I started reading articles that had been written by the owner of the site and submissions from many others. It was a turning point. That's all I can really say. An absolute turning point in my life. 

I don't want to go into too much detail because my experience was just that...mine. If you choose to go and check it out...have your own experience. Let it be whatever it will be. And enjoy.

I will say this. It changed my perspective. I know that my specific situation hasn't changed...but my outlook on it has. Now that doesn't mean I don't still feel a longing for a new home or job, new artistic outlets, and so on. You can dream of a better future and still be incredibly appreciative of what you have right now. No matter who you are. There is always something to be grateful for. 

Buddha said - 

Let us rise up and be thankful,

for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little,

and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick,

and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.

Day 98: I am so incredibly grateful for Lori Deschene and everyone in the tinybuddha.com community. The world is stunning without those blinders on.