Day 75

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."

Havelock Ellis

 

 

I am a very emotional person. TA DA!!! Surprise, Surprise to anyone that knows me, right? I feel things deeply, take things personally, and often let things weigh heavily on my heart. Its who I am. Ask my parents. They witnessed their fair share of Susan cry fests in my youth. Sometimes I can get myself so worked up about something that there is just no way back. I think my boyfriend suffers from this the most. I have been trying, for several months now, to reel things in. Trying to learn how to let things go. To not take so much responsibility for every little thing on the planet. To not feel guilt over things I have no control over. To acknowledge my emotions rather that letting them steamroll me into emotional wreck. Tinybuddha.com has helped immensely with this. But like I said before....its still who I am deep down. Its probably something I'll be working on and struggling with for a long time to come. And it happened again today...Well...last night and today. I let my emotions take over. And when this overly-emotional-sue-nomenon occurs...when my heart and mind get me worked up into a state that I really never intended to get to in the first place....that's when it happens. My mouth takes over. My mouth thinks it can fix it. If it spews enough rhyme and reason as to why i feel a certain way or explains enough, then everything will be hunky-dory. Wrong. Uh-uh. My mouth tries to backpedal out of an emotional downward spiral and the only thing that get accomplished is making it worse. This is the point that my boyfriend usually says to just "let it go." God bless him. His heart is in the right place. But the last thing you want to say to a person who is in an emotional state is "let it go." Because I would if I could. I hate those feeling, that state. And I know in my heart what I'm trying to get to. I'm trying to find resolve. I'm trying to find a happy place because only then will I be able to let go. And honestly? By that time I'm really not even worked up about what I was worked up about to being with! By that time, I'm just upset that I even got upset and am trying to smooth things over. It's absurd. Really.

But you know what? I would rather be a person who feels things deeply than a person who lets nothing in. And as much as it may drive my loved ones crazy from time to time....at least they know that they are just that...loved. Loved deeply (and truly and madly for those of you from the 90's). They know that these emotions come from a place of great care and consideration. Don't get me wrong....I am and will continue to work on acknowledging these feelings and releasing them before they spin me out of control. But even if I do master the art of "letting things go", I will always, always let them in first. In order to let things go, you first have to feel them. And I will never skip that step. Because that's what makes us who we are, doesn't it? What we think, what we feel? And I like that I am someone who can get emotional from hearing a line in a country song, or reading a greeting card. I like that I'm sentimental and nostalgic about a lot of things. I like that I worry about people I love and that my blood boils and I'm ready to fight if someone does them wrong. I like feeling things deeply. I like being me. 

Day 75: I am grateful to be someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. For though it may be exposed and easily hurt...I believe it has a much better view of the world from there....and an easier reach to love each and every one of you better. I am grateful that the people in my life have been able and willing deal with the times when I let my emotions take over. I am grateful for their patience with me. And I am grateful for the tools I've acquired to help me take control over those feelings. I am grateful for the journey I am on to find peace and calm in moments of emotional chaos.