Day 91

"I restore myself when I'm alone"

Marilyn Monroe

Day 91: I am grateful for "me time", for alone time, for peace and quiet and stillness.


On this ordinary Monday night, I find myself alone at the house. My boyfriend has rehearsal, my roommate is getting her oil changed, and I have no plans what so ever. And it is glorious. A glass of wine and  a very calm and cuddly pup. The laundry is done, the kitchen is already clean, and Mike straightened up the house today. Its just me. And an evening all to myself. 


These are the times we are our truest selves. When no one is watching. 


However, its not easy for everyone to embrace this. It wasn't for me for a very long time. I hated to be left alone. For the first few years following the loss of my brother and grandmother, I couldn't be left alone. If I knew the house would be empty, I would go out, go shopping, go anywhere and do anything as long as there would be other people around. It took me a while to figure it out. To realize what I was doing. I am very private about my grief. I don't grieve publicly. I don't like to talk about my loss. Its private and personal and its something I keep for myself. Seeing as I was constantly surrounded by people, I wasn't letting myself grieve. And thats just what was happening. If I found myself truly alone, the sadness would come flooding in. It would take over and everything I had been holding in or running from broke free. I hated it. The crying, the screaming, the images in my head, the fear, the confusion. I did everything  I could to avoid it. It took time. It took me letting it all out and allowing myself the grieving process before I could really find my "me time" again. But I did. And now I thrive on it. And the thriving on it....really diving into it...is what this post is about. 


Think about it. You can be totally and completely free. You can watch whatever you want on TV without fighting someone for the remote. You can read a book with no interruptions. Take a bath, take a walk, listen to your favorite record. Or even go sneak a few of those Malt Vinegar and Sea Salt Potato Chips you've got in the pantry! Who would know?! ;-)


The point is, you can dance to your own tune. Literally. This came to me one day while I was home alone cleaning the house. Out of no where I just did a little dance. Not sure where it came from, but I just listened to my body and moved it to the song in my head. I remember laughing and thinking..."that was mine." No one but me would ever know that moment just happened. (Of course, you know now, but I'm only sharing for educational purposes.) See, I've always been an "over-sharer." I'd tell you everything I did today, everything I ate today, AND what I was planning to do tomorrow. I think it drove (drives) my boyfriend crazy. It was almost like, if I didn't tell someone about it, then it didn't happen. That day, that dance, that moment reminded me that maybe I should keep a little something for me. Now I do. I may take myself out to lunch one day and not tell a soul. I may sing karaoke at the top of my lungs when no one is home. I may go for a drive or a run and have brilliant conversations with myself inside my head. Or I may just sit in silence and wonder at all the possibility in this life. Sometimes that stillness is my favorite. The only way to reconnect with myself. Check in, breathe, meditate on where I am and where I'm going.


Of course, I'm still a sharer...and I can't wait for my boyfriend to get home. But right now, in this place, I can enjoy my me time and share a moment with my very closest friend. Myself. 


Enjoy your "me time." Let your true self out. Do a dance. Do a cartwheel! Make faces in the mirror, Sing a song. Or just sit. Experience stillness. Whatever you do...have a moment. And keep it for you.